Sometimes people ask you 'whats wrong?' and expect you to have an answer. But sometimes there's just no way to answer. Its not any single thing that bogs you down but the little things combined. Its not that things are too hard to take or that life is unbearable. Its more like a reminder of how hard things are. Like something in your peripheral vision which distracts you from your focus. Then you lose your bearings for awhile.

There's no way I'm going to lose out. I'll damn this competitive spirit, this pride and this envy. But I've decided to study by myself. If I can't go to Rhema now then I'll study with books, online teachings and other material. I've already started. I've got slightly under a month before army and I intend to make good use of it. Time to get a good headstart. Gather speed before I hit the uphill slope.

Every day is a new battle. A tough battle indeed. But it is a battle to be won. My responsibilty is to live a life holy and pleasing. Then the details will be given.

Yet another Sunday where I don't have anything on after church. Spent the afternoon playing table tennis. I'm addicted to the game again. After that, Thomson, Liwei, Gerald and Jean came to play soccer at my place. There were alot of people from my estate playing today. Had 4 teams. I didn't score any goals today. Sad.
Played from 5:45pm to 8:45pm. Injured myself near the end. Stepped on a guys heel and sprained my ankle. Not a very good day for Gerald also. He lost his wallet. :/
Sometimes, all you can do is surround yourself with friends, immerse yourself in God's work and pray for the best. Then you hope that it'll take your mind off things. But you can't always drown it out.

Changes are coming... But I dare not even hope for anything.
What are you doing? What are you trying to achieve? What is it you really want? I'm not going to sit here and let you walk all over my God. I won't stand to have you lie to my God. There's no two ways about it. Don't try to blur the line between right and wrong. It is by grace, true enough. But grace doesn't make wrong right. Grace doesn't give you the permission to take advantage.

A part of me hopes she stays away and that she'll continue what she's doing. Because in a selfish way, it gives me a reason to push her away. To pretend that she's not good enough. But I've been praying for her to come back. And if God requires this of me, then I'll do it.

::: Song of the Day :::
Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would

A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be... frail

Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seemed to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace
| jars of clay - frail |

Went for Gospel Invasion this afternoon. We had it at Parkway Parade instead of Tampines Mall this time. I only had 2 respondants. People don't have time to stop nowadays... Thats one of the excuses they give. I don't mind if you don't want to spare 5 minutes of your time. I really don't! But whats up with the lame excuses?
On a brighter note, there were 3 PRCs today. So I really thank God for that...

Spunky's on my lap now... I think I'm beginning to love my dog more. He's adorable when he just sits quietly beside me. Content to be near me and just enjoy my company. Thats more than i can ask for.

Here's some old school lyrics. This song was out when I was in Secondary three. Sometimes, you don't understand till much later in life.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
An open invitation to the dance,
Happenstance set the vibe that we are in,
No apology because my urge is genuine,
And the mystery of your rhythm is so feminine,
Here I am and I want to take a hit,
Of your scent and it bit,
So deep into my soul,
I want you,
You do, you do,
You make me want you
| third eye blind - i want you |

Sent out an email this evening concerning prayer for the Gospel Invasion this saturday. I did this because I realised a couple of days ago that God can only work through our prayers. Look at all the events which have had an impact. Seeker Service, Youth Camps, SonicFest... They all had one thing in common. People who prayed for things to happen. And I'm convinced that this is required.

********************1. Lets pray for the hearts of the unbelievers. That their hearts will be like the good soil in Matthew 13:23. Ready to accept the gospel.
Pray against any distractions from the evil one and that their minds will be clear when we share with them.
That their eyes will be unveiled so that they will see what Christ has done for them.

2. Pray that XS will catch the passion of God’s heart. That we’ll want to fulfil the desire of God which is to see all men come to a saving knowledge of Christ. (See 1 Timothy 2:4.)

3. Pray for boldness for ourselves. That we’ll go forth having the confidence that He will give us the words to say just like Paul prayed for in Ephesians 6:18-20

4. Pray against the spirit of fear that may come upon some of us. Praise God that fear has no place in the body of Christ as promised in Romans 8:15.********************
Dear Dear God... Is it supposed to be this torturous? Everytime I try to push it away, it comes back twice as strong. Lord, it cannot be like this because it doesn't fit your plan. All I know is that it feels so right. But then again, emotions can screw up decision making.
3 things I pray for...
A Spiritual awakening. That the veil of worldly blindness be removed from her.
A hunger for your Word to be stirred up in her.
A desire for your will to be carried out in her life.

Whoever she is, Lord. This is what I ask for. Even though every part of my being cries out for action, I'll stay silent and quiet and I'll wait for my reward. Being in this situation is testimony to Your goodness. Even when I thought it would be impossible, You have healed my heart and lifted me up. In fact I praise You Lord because I know You are El Shaddai! The Almighty One. You are on top of my situation and you see the entire flow of events. And I know it is good! Because You have prepared a path for me in which You give me the best!

I will laugh in the face of adversity. I will laugh in the face of depression because I know that these are just lies. I know that Satan is just trying to prevent me from reaching my full potential. Lord, I have my victory in You! You have won the battle and the war. Hallelujah! I choose to cling to You all the more tightly. And I'll choose to rejoice as well because You are there for me! Everyday I will rejoice because I have my Jesus. And my Jesus is more than enough for me!!!

I slept alot yesterday... Woke up at 12-ish and slept again in the afternoon. I guess thats why I'm up so late. At least I got to watch Manchester United book their place in the Champions League with a 5-1 aggregate win over Dinamo Bucharest. They just won 3-0 in the 2nd leg.

Received this email, written by Stanley but forwarded by Andy to all the youth leaders. He was encouraging Andy about the good influence that XS has on the youth in church. He also mentioned that it was evident in the recent gathering at Rachelle's house. But the thing that caught my attention was the following line in the email...
Another Youth which I've seen tremendous change in is Daryl Goh... need not share further as his change is very obvious.

Obvious? I don't know whether to take it as a compliment or insult. Haha!! Why is there no need to share further? How bad was I before? :P Anyway, I praise God that He has made my righteousness shine like the dawn. Just like He promised in Psalms 37:6... I will continue to trust & delight myself in Him. I am far from perfect and far from what He wants me to be.

There's no other way to put it. Once in a while, a song comes and just hits you in the face with pure meaning and passion in the lyrics. One of those simple songs that betray the love for God in the writer's heart. That leaves you dizzy in worshipful silence when you realise that there's no other way to say it. And all you can do is repeat it over and over in your heart. Hoping that God will understand the true extent of your love for Him in the limited language that you express yourself in.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very Word
Spoken to me

And I, I'm desperate for You
And I, I'm lost without You
| Vineyard Music - Breathe (Lyrics by Marie Barnett) |

It was a semi-productive day today. Learnt quite a bit watching camp meeting on Rhema.org. How is it they learn so much? Amazing what they gain from the Word of God. My new favourite verse is Hebrews 4:1-3.

Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it.
For we also have had the gospel preached to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because those who heard did not combine it with faith.
Now we who have believed enter that rest.....

My joy is in the name of the Lord. For He is good and His mercies endure forever!!! He never left me nor did He forget about me. As long as there is breath in me, I will praise the Lord! I will choose to give Him glory. I will speak out His promises to remind myself that I am redeemed by the blood. That I am righteous. That I am a king and a priest and a son. That I am chosen. That I have a reason to live and a purpose to fulfill. Hallelujah!!! Amen!

This post is dedicated to Anil
For inspiring me with your attitude, your plans and your life.
What a fulfilling Sunday. Went for prayer at 10:30am. Then had a AMAZING worship led by Shaoxiong... God's really using him to lead the church into higher worship. Felt that he stepped out in faith today to bring us up. Praise God he took that step. Our church is rising... I can feel it. Product of prayer, ladies and gentlemen. Now we need to rally more prayer warriors.

Played soccer at Serangoon Secondary School today. Watched the first half of the match. Amazing how the team I was playing for (bandung united), managed to equalise twice after conceding. Showed strength and determination. Their midfield also impressed me. Halftime came and the score was 2-2. I met Christine at halftime cos she was just living at the condo opposite the field and she came down for a walk.

Got subbed in at half time into a leftback role. Decided to make a early run upfield and received a late late tackle after I passed the ball to a teammate. My teammate lost the ball and from the attack that resulted, we conceded a goal. Had some difficulty in left back. Wrong side and wrong position. I prefer playing on the right of midfield. One of the players (69) swapped with me after awhile asking me to play left midfield. I was surprised at how easy it was to skip past the defence. Although they were agressive, I managed to get 2 shots in. Both were too weak though. A square ball to my striker also didn't result in anything. We managed to pull back to 3-3.

The highlight of the match was the fight that took place. One of my teammates got kicked twice by 2 of the opponents. Cheap shots cos the first one was from behind and the 2nd one was while he was on the ground. Finally got all the players to calm down before resuming the game. I'm glad I got to play today.

Went to the airport in the evening. See Gloria back from Thailand. Its good to see her again but its kinda obvious that she misses ChiangMai. Praying for God to refine that passion. Heard some bad news from a friend from the mission trip boot camp. One of my team members, he was from YWAM, passed away 2 weeks ago.

Lord... I pray for the questions to be answered. Don't leave them guessing. Especially if it concerns their faith. Lord, help them to understand. In your precious name, Jesus, Amen.

What a renewing time at prayer seminar. Especially when she sang again. Ever heard angels? I haven't... but I have an idea of how they would sound like. Such peace in song, in music. Such encouragement.

Its kinda cheesy but I felt that when I heard her speak in tongues, I thought I had the interpretation. Maybe not interpreting it but I kinda understood what she spoke? I should observe this more... But of course she did a much better job of interpreting.

I'm happy for the people who bothered to come down. I'm sure they were ministered too. For those who weren't free, I pray that more opportunities will arise where they can learn.

We are going to be a hub in which missionaries will be sent out. No one goes to war without preparation. Just like soldiers need to go through military training, Christians need to go through Spiritual training. My work is to pray.

no more distractions.

I'm tired... mentally. So many things on my mind. The youth in ChiangMai, the youth in church, my cell group, my personal life. Then there are things that keep repeating over and over again. Things that keep coming up. Things that I don't wish to think about anymore. But they keep coming back.

Decisions to make. I wish that I could just be alone for now. I don't want to be bothered for awhile. I don't want to decide anything. It makes me sick to the stomach. I just realised that I'm not the type who can fool around. There's a bar preventing me from doing that. So I'm going to stop trying.

Prayer seminar was good. Like a revision of things that I've learnt. I'm glad that quite a lot of people came for the first session. Glad to see them taking notes. But I hope that they actually do utilize the knowledge they've gained. Hope to learn more tomorrow afternoon.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Excuse me, could you put those tears on hold?
I seem to have misplaced your heart
Are we stopping to get directions?
Or are you too proud to ask?
Bitter winter galleries display these works of art
Could you think of a better way?
One that doesn't require effort?
Turn around please, easy does it...

The lights dance playfully
shimmering through, pressed on the liquid glass
straining to keep them in
and the head tilts back
The flutter of the eyelids
ever so slightly, you don't want to start the deluge
You don't want them to see those drops of weakness
From a whine to a wail, a scream to a roar

Still you keep it in
Low, like you don't feel
Finally they weigh down
Goodbye, Goodnight
Ignore my plight
Remain unknown
Unheard
Unhurt
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

You can talk & talk and explain & explain but if a person refuses to believe, then it'll just be a waste of time. So I'm glad that this is not a waste. I don't want my life to revolve around this anymore. But its hard if you keep getting pulled back into it. So many times I thought, "Yes! Its finally dealt with." But it always doesn't seem to be the end. I hope it really is the end.

Prayer Seminar tonight. Looking forward to it...
I found my oasis. Thank You God.

::: Verse of the Day :::
Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.

He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.

Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.

Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and revering him. For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land-a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.
| Deuteronomy 8:2-9 |

It just took all of that to come to a screeching halt, to get to the point of having nothing, for me to finally realize, "Hey, what are you fighting with this for?"
Until then, I hadn't claimed my faith as my own; I had just grown up with it. But I finally got to that point after years and years of running from God. Christ stepped in when I asked him.
| Scott Stapp (former frontman of Creed) |

Similar to my testimony.

Dear God... I'm sorry. I do stupid things. I want to walk with you but I keep getting distracted. There are no excuses. I don't want to stray. But the question that keeps coming up is 'Why bother?'. Why indeed...
You've always showed me hope when I had none. Little reminders that it is possible. Lord I pray that there'll be another oasis because I'm feeling lost and discouraged in this desert. Amen.

::: Quote of the Day :::
Keep doing that. Keep shooting yourself in your foot.

Now what the heck did I do to mess up this time?
Just how did I deserve to be called those things?

Don't you just hate it when you get in trouble for something you have no idea about. Its like being pronounced guilty even before you have an idea of what crime was committed. I have my flaws... True. But if you don't like them then don't keep standing there looking at them. Tell me about it and if its worth changing, I'll change... If I don't, then live with it. If you can't then stop looking at it.There are so many things I wanted to journal down. But it won't be a good idea...
If I wanted, I could continue this... But no good will come out of it.

Anyway, Jeremy going in to tekong tomorrow... Gotta get some sleep.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it, When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
| john mayer - love song for no one |

Here are the lyrics to the song I wrote... Don't ask me who the girl in friendster is. I just couldn't think of a better song title. I wrote the tune and lyrics in 30 minutes on Sunday morning at about 2am? Then did the recording in another 30 minutes. Please let me know what you think about the song...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
When you feel the heat rush to your head
You know its too late(x2)
When you feel the lust turn into hate
You know its too late(x2)

[PRE-CHORUS]
And she just refuses to smile
You know its just not worth your while
[CHORUS]
But she drives me wild(x4)

What thoughts lie behind that beautiful stare
You know that I care(x2)
You've lost all hope and you start to despair
You know that I care(x2)

[BRIDGE]
There used to be a time where it used to be me
There were so many things that I couldn't see
You lay in my arms and you told me everything
But now all I see of you are in faded memories

[PART 2]
Love and reality alternate
Taking turns to drive
I'll accept this, my cruel fate
While I wait for her to arrive
This seems to be the perfect plan
But soon I realise
The more I look, the less fate's hand
will bring us to collide
|daryl - the girl on friendster|
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Okie... Its always strange coming back to Singapore after being away for awhile. Its like nothing here has changed but you feel strangely detached from it all. But one thing good about this situation is that the team is closer after it all.

Reading the signs can be dangerous. Ask me why people don't make their moves and I'll show you the risks that we have to face. It may even cause a backward decline. And so I'm here today with decisions to make. I want more.. but I don't want to lose what I have.

So what have I been up to since I got back? Nothing much actually. Watching some of the DVDs that I bought from Bangkok... Wrote a new song (Comments?)... Played table tennis on Sunday (Albert is good!)... Went for Rachelle's farewell party... Had a good time there with all the games and sharing. Gonna miss her.

Here's some colorquiz I took... Some of it is true, some of it WAS true. Some are totally off the mark. But it makes an interesting read.

Your Existing Situation Dissatisfied. The need to escape continued involvement with his present circumstances makes it imperative for him to find some solution. Your Stress Sources Unfulfilled hopes have led to uncertainty and apprehension. Needs to feel secure and to avoid any further disappointment, and fears being passed over or losing standings and prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads him to make exaggerated demands and to refuse to make reasonable compromises. Your Restrained Characteristics Believes that he is not receiving his share--that he is neither properly understood or adequately appreciated. Feels that he is being compelled to conform, and close relationships leave him without any sense of emotional involvement. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Sensitive and sentimental, but conceals this from all except those very close to him. Your Desired Objective Shelves his ambitions and forgoes his desire for prestige as he prefers to take things easily and indulge his longing for comfort and security. Your Actual Problem Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to stress and anxiety. He wants congenial contact with others and scope for development, but feels that his relationships are empty and his progress impeded. He reacts with an intense and zealous activity designed to achieve his aims at all costs.

-ChiangMai Day 6-
Our last day here... Spent the morning at Sanphranet School again before heading down to to the Kindergarten at the new church. Can't remember the name. Mae Yoy or something like that. Helped to fix up a minature basketball hoop stand with Jeremy. After that I slacked for awhile. Jeremy was playing hide & seek with Atin...

Did some colouring for the kindergarten materials. Pat & I had to colour to outlines of some pictures to make them nicer. Jeremy was doing lamination. Fell asleep after that... The rest of the team had gone for visitation at a hospital.

Was supposed to go for home cell after dinner but it started to rain quite heavily. Lynette, Xiong and Stefanie had to sit in the open at the back of the truck while it rained... Quite funny to see them soaked and shivering... :P But kinda poor thing also. Since we couldn't go for cell we decided to eat in by ordering pizza. Had a debrief and a great time of prayer before sleeping.

Would leave for bangkok the next morning. The trip although short was one that was necessary both for the Sanphranet church and community as well as ourselves. I pray that people's lives will continue to be changed. We may not have done much in bringing people to Christ but I feel that this was in a way, encouraging and equipping them to be able to draw strength from God when they evangelise and run the church.

Click the picture on the left to view my photoblog... Just some of the pictures that I took on the trip. Thanks!

-Chiang Mai Day 5-
We had a good time of worship and prayer in the morning. Lynette appointed me to lead worship this morning. So far its been Xiong and Stefanie doing the morning worships and they've been doing well! I wasn't keen about leading cos I don't memorise the chords. I need to have the chords if I'm playing. Thank God I managed to find 2 or 3 songs rather quickly. It was a refreshing time and I am still surprised at how God works.

We went back to Sanphranet school to teach again today. Its amazing what a simple song and a bag of sweets can do... Revised the 'head & shoulders' song with them before playing games with them. They like running! They also loved it when I took pictures of them. They crowded round me pushing and posing for the shot.

Went for another buffet in the afternoon. I give testimony to the fact that those called by the Lord to do His work will not go hungry! :P
Food wasn't very good though. Probably still full from the previous night's heavy dinner. The team had to split up in the evening because we had to teach English to some of the youth and we had to go for house visitation as well...

Xiong, Jeremy & Stefanie stayed to teach English while Lynette, Pat & myself went to visit one of the youth, Rin's, family. Her stepfather was in hospital and so we went to pray for them. The visit confirmed an impression from God about Rin the day before when we were praying for 3 of the girls... About her having lots of questions and not being able to let go of certain things.

-ChiangMai Day 4-
Sunday Service in Sanphranet Church. The service started about 30-40 minutes behind schedule. But I was pleasantly surprised to see the sanctuary full. When we had arrived in ChiangMai, Pastor Prasarn had mentioned something about the church having bought new chairs. And almost every one of the blue plastic chairs was occupied... Again was asked to play drums at the last minute. I didn't know any of the songs but managed to keep time. (I think... :P)

The youth of the church put up a skit about mothers and how we should treasure them and obey them. A bit sad when the mother in the play died in the end. Kinda like a surprise ending... Haha! The youth also sang a song and then did a dance as well... Had a wonderful mother's day lunch after the service.

We conducted the worship workshop in the afternoon. Lynette did a teaching about worshipping in Spirit and in Truth. I loved the 'practical' session when we all worshipped together. Lynette on keyboards, Stef on guitar, Xiong on bass, myself on drums and Pat & Jem singing with Pastor and the youth. It reminded me again about the day where every tongue & tribe will praise God together in one voice. It was beautiful. They know how to worship... They just have to do it and not wait to 'stumble' across the Spirit now and then.

The thing that really hit wme was when all of us started praying together in unison after the workshop. The Holy Spirit just descended and filled the room so quickly that it literally took my breath away. I admire how easy it is for God to work over there. Maybe because of the mentality? Because there are less distractions? The attitude?

Had a time of relaxation after that when we headed down to have a Thai buffet... Ate insanely large amounts of food and enjoyed every mouthful. Was the last one to finish eating yet again. But I think I ate the most this night. After that the team made its way to Walk Street for shopping. Us guys weren't very interested in shopping there cos Jeremy & I had been there before. Boring and expensive.
Pastor Prasarn had enticed us with the Charity Shield match between Manchester United and Arsenal. After walking around for quite awhile looking for places to watch the match, we finally decided to drive to his friend's house to watch the match there. Sad to see them lose 3-1 but we made new friends. :)

-ChiangMai Day 3-
Miracle Kids in the morning. Had to play drums cos the drummer kid wasn't around. Saw that the kids really enjoyed themselves with the games, praise songs and activities. They also had to make mother's day cards in the afternoon. In Thailand, they celebrate mother's day on 8 August 12 August... Went shopping after Miracle Kids to buy groceries & ingredients for the mother's day lunch on Sunday. Kept getting ribbed about not helping Sidar carry the groceries. But I guess I was just asking for it when I kept mentioning how pretty she was to the team. Haha...

Girls in ChiangMai are generally better looking that Singaporean ones. I don't know whether its the way the Thais let their natural beauty show or because of the way they behave. In Singapore, everyone (in general) has a mindset of what beauty is. Its either make-up or showing skin... They try so hard to stand out that in the end, they all look the same.

But back to Sunday evening. We met up with Gloria & Pi Bae to go for the night bazaar. We had to leave Lynette at MacDonald's because she wasn't feeling well. Prayed for her and left for shopping. Was supposed to go back to get her after 30 mins but I got carried away while shopping that I realised only after 45 minutes... Took 5-10 minutes to run back to MacDonald's. Found her cheery & well, eating Fish O'Fillet and drinking hot tea. Bought 2 T-shirts that night. There was nothing else that caught my eye though... :(

There was one incident which surprised me while we were shopping. Lynette, Jeremy and myself were shopping and wanted to buy pillow covers. We had initially asked to get 4 for 300 baht. But the shop-keeper didn't want to reduce the price. So we walked away. While walking away, Lynette told me she'd rather get the pillow cases from an earlier shop which used better quality material. But while we were walking away, the shop-keeper gradually reduced the price to 300 baht. We stopped for a second but continued walking. Then we heard the shop-keeper hear something like 50 baht. We thought she reduced the price that much so we returned to the shop. When we wanted to look at the variety of designs, the shop-keeper said fiercely, "Don't touch. You no touch. You no good! You no good nature!"
We were rather stunned for awhile but we quickly walked away after that. We didn't realised that she was being sarcastic about the price. Other then that one undesirable incident, the night was thoroughly enjoyable.

Had to prepare a song to for Mother's Day service the next day. So we didn't sleep till quite late. They had to figure out the lyrics to the chinese dumex song about mothers and then translate it to English so that Pastor could translate it to Thai for the congregation. I fell asleep halfway because I was very tired from walking the night bazaar and also because I couldn't help with the chinese. :\

-ChiangMai Day 2-
This morning was spent at Sanphranet School. We split up into 3 groups. Stefanie & Jeremy took the primary 6s, Pat & Xiong took the Primary 4s and Lynette & I took the primary 5s. Lynette did most of the talking while I helped write words on the blackboard. Visited a couple of homes in the afternoon with Pastor Prasarn and we prayed for the villagers. I really enjoyed spending time with the people.

Had our worship practice in the evening. Thank God for Stefanie who played the guitars. Made the band sound fuller. Got some compliments from a few of the Thai guys but I'm beginning to wonder whether I'm cut out to be a drummer at all.. Maybe I should just be 'someone who can play the drums' instead. Maybe put those dreams of playing in a Christian band on hold till I get much much better.

So anyway, this kid played the drums for the miracle kids worship practice. He's good. Consistent... Something I have to be conscious about when I'm playing came naturally to him. :\

Ok alright... This post is dated 6 August but I actually wrote all this on my third night here. Simply because we are out the entire time. Been helping out with some of the church stuff here but not much really. God has been good though... I feel that we're really bonding as a team. A few bumps here and there but nothing that a dose of Godly love won't fix.... Let me try to recall what happened the past few days.

-ChiangMai Day 1-

The plane trip on AirAsia was an experience. We weren't use to some of their procedures. For example, free seating on the flight meant that a queue would start at the gate before it was opened. Slept for the most of the trip from Singapore to Bangkok after making countless jokes about being in a budget airline. Spent 8 hours at Bangkok airport basically lazing around talking. From Burger King where we had our lunch (They have a Whopper Double with bacon and cheese!!), we moved to Dairy Queen at the other end of the international airport. Had ice cream before eating pizza for an early dinner.

Had an enjoyable run/walk to the domestic flight terminal. It felt like we were on 'The Amazing Race'. Complete with an (almost)unknown language, out of date floor plans, people giving wrong directions as well as a delayed flight. Thank God we were finally able to get on the plane to Chiang Mai. More 'budget' jokes before I fell asleep again for the 1 hour plus flight.

Settled into Henry and Tuk's house quite comfortably. A few clashes in opinions but it all settled quickly. I guess its good that this team is made up of members who know how to focus on God. Slept soundly because we were all tired out...

Why do I journal online?
There's always been debate on why people keep online journals. Issues like wanting attention, being an exhibitionist or just wanting to speak out at others without consequence. (Think freedom of speech...) I think there are people who journal for those reasons. But for me, I feel that what started as a means to vent my shattered emotions, has turned into a sort of vault where I come back to every once in a while to see where and what I've been.

Over the many months spent writing, I've learnt that the main reason for writing the way I do, is to be honest with myself. So that I do not remain stagnent as a person. I was talking with a couple of old friends about this issue and I told him that journal was more for myself than for others to read... He shot back the question, why not keep a real journal then? Write with a pen on paper... I didn't answer him immediately but there were two answers in my mind at that very moment.

One being the fact that I'll have too many notebooks with the amount that I write...
And the second? Have you seen my handwriting?

And so I'll be leaving for ChiangMai tomorrow morning. Haven't packed yet. Waiting for more of the clothes to dry. Have to bring along guitar cable, drumsticks, someone's medicine and children's storybooks. The books are going to be heavy!
Just have to finish up the prayer newsletter.

Going to get back Dale's semi-acoustic guitar from Liwei now.

I didn't know how much Joe's absence from the team affected me till today. Just felt frustrated during practice. I've been doing a good job of letting God handle it but the reality of it all hit me today. We're going there to conduct a worship workshop and we don't have a full band. And not being able to find a replacement also took its toll on me. Wasn't able to play or worship God during the practice...

But I'm thankful for Shaoxiong for turning the practice into a worship by itself... Reminded me that God is in control and its not the number of people or whether there is a full band. Its whether we're obedient, whether we're listening and how much we want to serve. It usually takes things like this, things that are out of my control to remind me... Although I wasn't into the worship at the time, I felt better knowing that the team is in the right 'mode' and it encouraged me as I thought about it later. I have to keep up.

The thing is... This is not my best yet. I'm disappointed because I know I can offer more. I know we all can. The Lord doesn't love us any less if we're no good, true enough... I'm just not satisfied with what I'm giving. For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son... He gave His best. Its as if I'm not doing Him justice. The thing is we don't condemn ourselves if we can't achieve the best all the time cos He doesn't condemn us. But no way am I going to sit back and be satisfied with what I'm offering now...

::: Quote of the Day :::
The more we cry out...
the Lord is attuned to our voice
and he will answer our heart's cry

We have a very important part to play in this last day great revival
And its time for us to gear up
Its time for us to take our place
| Lynette Hagin |

Alright, alright... Its a sign that it may be possible after all... But still I'm waiting. Some pieces still don't fit and I can't make them fit any quicker.

And so this week has been tiringly good. Enjoyed myself at SonicFest on Saturday. Met some nice people. I was soaked in the rain for most of the morning and I was shivering because there was a fan in the tentage area. But it got better after a few hours. Spent most of the day putting on the admission tags on people's wrist (Left wrist please!), checking people's bags (Any food and drinks, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, explosives, weapons?) and handing out flyers.
The thing that surprises me is why people get so offended that we need to check their bags. It takes only a few seconds and I only look for the things mentioned above. I got dirty stares, dirty words and dirty actions. We do it so that you guys have a safe enjoyable experience at the festival. A few seconds for peace of mind is a worthwhile thing don't you think? =P

Had GG after service yesterday... Good teaching from Stanley. He spoke about how as leaders we must change ourselves so as to influence change. Because the people are usually limited by their leaders. On the other hand, we were told during the sunday sermon that we should not be selfish and keep looking inwards... Hmmm... who to follow? Who to listen to? I'm sorry, if I'm expected to feed His sheep, I need to have food and to know what it tastes like right? So if the hand doesn't feed, I'll definitely go somewhere else to look.

Going for practice in church now. Still praying that everything goes according to God's plan. We all need to get into the correct mindset, the correct 'groove' so to speak. I'm rushing this post... Gotta run!

SonicFest'04 was really an experience... Being part of the crew made me see a different aspect of the event as a whole. I see and hear about the prayer there went into the preparation of the event. And God reminded me again that it solely depends on how much we pray. How badly do we want people to be saved? Enough to spend an hour a day praying?

I've been praying for my church... I've been crying out to God for them and I believe its time to start praying the same way for the church in ChiangMai, Sanphranet. The results depend on our prayers! Its as simple as that!
Prayed for God to stir up the passion... I need a whiff of that passion that Jesus had when He died for me.

I stayed over last night at the Leaders' Hangout... Much of the time was spent aimlessly... Just waiting for different things to happen. In the end, we did some group study and sharing on leadership. More on the benefits of certain habits and the excuses that prevent us from fulfilling these habits.
Tried to sleep quite early but kept waking up at one hour intervals during the night. Woke myself up at 5:45 am to leave for home to collect my festival stuff... Praise God for the strength that He provided...

Tired now... I'm going to sleep. My feet are hurting from being wrinkled up. Because my shoes were wet from the rain in the morning. And so the underside of my feet began wrinkling up and it hurt when I walked just now... Praise God that my feet will recover very soon.

::: Poem of the Day :::
I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter.
Up vistaed hopes I sped;
And shot, precipitated,
Adown Titanic glooms of chasmed fears,
From those strong Feet that followed, followed after.
But with unhurrying chase,
And unperturbeded pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
They beat -- and a voice beat
More instant than the Feet --
"All things betray thee, who betrayest Me."

I pleaded, outlaw-wise,
By many a hearted casement, curtained red,
Trellised with intertwining charities;
(For, though I knew His love Who followèd,
Yet was I sore adread
Lest, having Him, I must have naught beside.)
| Excerpt from The Hound of Heaven by Francis Thompson |